A Cape or a Veil?

I was driving by a preschool on my way to an appointment earlier this week and I noticed something that caught my attention. The children were playing outside and each had a piece of cloth that looked like it was about 3'x3'. At first glance, it looked like the kids were just running around with their cloth, but then I noticed something interesting. A little  boy had two of the corners of his cloth tied  together and he was wearing his cloth as a cape.

That made me smile.  I have two boys myself and I've seen them make capes out of blankets and pillowcases and anything else that would work.

Then I noticed a few other little boys with capes.

Then I saw some little girls who were wearing their cloths not as capes, but as veils. The broader view showed a play yard filled with superheros and princesses.

I'm sure that no one told the boys to be superheroes and told the girls to be princesses on that day, but they chose those roles nonetheless, indicating that gender stereotypes start finding their way into our brains at a very young age.

I wondered, do any of those little girls understand that they could be superheroes, too?

But would any of those little boys be a princess?

One of the benefits I have as a woman is that I can be either a superhero or a princess, and I play both roles at different times. Unfortunately, boys and men don't have the same advantage.  If any of those boys had made his cape into a veil, I'm sure the other boys would have put him in his place.  If that didn't work, the girls would take care of it by "preferring" to play with a superhero.

The truth is that men and boys are still bound by traditional stereotypes of maleness.  Sure, we all know that it's ok for men to cry now (well, sometimes), and some men (like my husband) have even taken on the homemaker role while their wives work outside the home. But doing that is not easy for men. They face a social consequence that follows them around and dictates who will be in their peer group and how they and their family are viewed in the neighborhood. I can't tell you how many times over the past 20 years someone has said that my husband should get a job, even as his own wife was at home caring for their children.

My oldest son took dance lessons for years because he loved dance.  He was the only male in his classes and the only male at the recitals. He continued until he was 13.  At that point he quit because he just couldn't take the social pressure.  He chose to fit in among the boys rather than to continue with an activity he loved (although his dance experience actually came in very handy when he played football later). My husband and I were very sad when he quit, but we understood. Many adults can't handle the social pressure they get from stepping out of traditional gender roles.  How could we possibly expect an adolescent to do it?

I'm grateful for the freedom that I have to choose to be either a superhero or a princess, but I want my boys to have the same freedom.

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