The Voice in My Head

The voice in my head is pretty active today. Yes, I have a voice in my head that seems like it's not my own, and she seems to be pretty vocal lately.  No, I don't "hear voices" (so there's no need to contact the mental health authorities).

I used to think it was the voice of my conscience speaking, but then I noticed one day that some of the things she says are not necessarily aligned with my current world view or moral compass.  It's true.  Sometimes, she makes me do a double-take and wonder who the heck she is, but other times she's as familiar as a comfortable pair of shoes - warm, supportive, comfortable.

When the voice is encouraging, I like her.  In fact, I even try to take credit for her and assume she's me.  But when she's critical or discouraging, I know she's a foreigner and I sigh like I did when I was 12.

It's the voice of my mother.

Here are some of the less-than-supportive things she has said to me in the last 24 hours:

• "No, you can't wear those shoes.  It's after Labor Day."
• "Go ahead and wear that dress. I suppose it doesn't matter matter what people think."
• "Are you sure you want to do that?"
• "How many calories are in that?"
• "You're going to waste your money on Starbucks???"
• "So what if everybody is doing it? Would you jump off a bridge if everyone else did?"
• "You never listen."
• "A penny saved is a penny earned. You could save a bunch of pennies if you re-used that disposable cup....again."
• "I think you could have done better."
• "This isn't your best work.  Were you going for the 'I really don't care' effect?"
• "If you leave the house like that, this will be the day you get into a car wreck."

But she's not always critical.  Here are some of the encouraging and supportive things I've heard her say in the last day:

• "What a great idea!."
• "It's OK to choose time with your son over work. He's precious, and he's growing up fast."
• "How fortunate you are that your husband loves you so much."
• "Are you the most fortunate woman in the world, or what?!"
• "Good hair day...nice!"
• "Donny is such a fine young man.  You should be proud."
• "Derek, MaryEllen, Sam and Beth are such blessings in your life, not just your business....it's good you know that. Are you showing them that you know it?"
• "Good for you for choosing to cook a healthy meal at home, rather than calling out for pizza."
• "No, the world won't stop spinning if you stop for prayer throughout the day.  In fact, your world will spin a little more smoothly."
• "You made a difference today."
• "You're not alone."

I used to think I wanted her out of my head, but come to think of it, I kind of like her there.

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