A Cape or a Veil?

I was driving by a preschool on my way to an appointment earlier this week and I noticed something that caught my attention. The children were playing outside and each had a piece of cloth that looked like it was about 3'x3'. At first glance, it looked like the kids were just running around with their cloth, but then I noticed something interesting. A little  boy had two of the corners of his cloth tied  together and he was wearing his cloth as a cape.

That made me smile.  I have two boys myself and I've seen them make capes out of blankets and pillowcases and anything else that would work.

Then I noticed a few other little boys with capes.

Then I saw some little girls who were wearing their cloths not as capes, but as veils. The broader view showed a play yard filled with superheros and princesses.

I'm sure that no one told the boys to be superheroes and told the girls to be princesses on that day, but they chose those roles nonetheless, indicating that gender stereotypes start finding their way into our brains at a very young age.

I wondered, do any of those little girls understand that they could be superheroes, too?

But would any of those little boys be a princess?

One of the benefits I have as a woman is that I can be either a superhero or a princess, and I play both roles at different times. Unfortunately, boys and men don't have the same advantage.  If any of those boys had made his cape into a veil, I'm sure the other boys would have put him in his place.  If that didn't work, the girls would take care of it by "preferring" to play with a superhero.

The truth is that men and boys are still bound by traditional stereotypes of maleness.  Sure, we all know that it's ok for men to cry now (well, sometimes), and some men (like my husband) have even taken on the homemaker role while their wives work outside the home. But doing that is not easy for men. They face a social consequence that follows them around and dictates who will be in their peer group and how they and their family are viewed in the neighborhood. I can't tell you how many times over the past 20 years someone has said that my husband should get a job, even as his own wife was at home caring for their children.

My oldest son took dance lessons for years because he loved dance.  He was the only male in his classes and the only male at the recitals. He continued until he was 13.  At that point he quit because he just couldn't take the social pressure.  He chose to fit in among the boys rather than to continue with an activity he loved (although his dance experience actually came in very handy when he played football later). My husband and I were very sad when he quit, but we understood. Many adults can't handle the social pressure they get from stepping out of traditional gender roles.  How could we possibly expect an adolescent to do it?

I'm grateful for the freedom that I have to choose to be either a superhero or a princess, but I want my boys to have the same freedom.

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Words with Friends

It started casually one day when a friend of mine was talking to me and then his phone beeped.  It wasn't a call or a text message, but a notification from Words with Friends telling him that one of his friends had played a word and now it was his turn.

"What's Words with Friends?" I naively asked.

He explained that it is an online game played by folks with iPhones and Android phones.  It's pretty much Scrabble.  You can play against a friend you know or you can let the game pick a random opponent for you.

Hmm, I thought.  This could be interesting.

I downloaded the app to my iphone and he was my first opponent.  It was easy to figure out and fun.

I linked to my Facebook contacts and started playing with a couple of my Facebook friends.

I tried playing against a few random opponents.

Then I went to a family reunion and discovered that several of my cousins also played.  Great!

Finally, I got my husband to play.

Now I have 11 games going at once, down from a high of 20 games at once.  Yes, I still have a life, but Words is slowly taking it over.

One of the features I like best is that you can chat with your opponent as you play.  The interface is something like a text message format, but it functions within the app, so you can share scintillating  thoughts such as, "Wow! Great word!" and  "Gobo?  Really?"  I particularly like using the chat feature for a little intellectual trash talking and intimidation - "Are you ready to give up yet? You can click that 'resign' button at any time and end your suffering."  Or you can start chatting up a new friend that you met through selecting a random opponent, just to distract them (this is really fun with Chess with Friends...LOL).

There is an unofficial fan site that has news, word lists, a score calculator, and a link to the Words with Friends Facebook wall. You can even track your own Words statistics, and sign up for tournament notifications.

As you might expect, there are also apps and websites to help you cheat. You just enter the letters that you have and the app spits out all of the possible words.  You can then enter tile positions, spaces, and linking letters to come up with even more options.  Wow.  But you would never cheat, would you?

So, why am I writing about this?  Because writing is about words, silly.

If you are a Words with Friends player, look me up and start a game with me.  I'm veronicarobbins on Words.

Then, if you really like to play, you can look me up on Hanging with Friends (a version of hangman) and Chess with Friends.

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Slowing Down

"Stop and smell the roses." That's the phrase that comes to mind when I think about people moving so fast that they don't take the time to enjoy life.  It's usually used figuratively when people are so busy that they are rushing through life and not enjoying all the wonderful people and experiences in front of them. Sometimes, though, it takes on a literal meaning.

That's how it is for me right now.  I've been going a mile a minute, rushing to get work done and troubleshooting problems so fast that the days, weeks, and months are just flying by. It's really easy to do, especially when the writing projects in front of me are piling up and I need to move quickly from one to the other.

Then something happened.  Somehow (I still don't know exactly what I did), I injured my knee.  Getting from place to place (even from room to room in my own house) is a challenge.  I can't just hurry around, not noticing what's around me; I'm moving very slowly, assisted by my trusty cane, and I'm noticing everything. Every piece of furniture is a potential obstacle. The two steps on my front porch seem like Mt. Shasta. Decisions about where to go are made based on how difficult it will be to get there, not the purpose for going.

But it's not all bad. I've rediscovered family photographs and knickknacks that I had forgotten were there.  Moving more slowly gives me a chance to enjoy them all over again. The longer time it takes me to walk down the hallway at home gives me more time to chat with my 7 year old, who seems to like the extra time with me as he follows me around the house at my new leisurely pace.

I didn't choose this slowdown, but I'm learning to appreciate it as best I can. Not only am I smelling a few roses, but I'm rediscovering roses that I had forgotten were there.


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Overwhelmed....But It's Still a Wonderful World

I'll admit it.  I'm completely overwhelmed. I have a huge workload right now and I have been distracted by everything you can imagine, from family issues to finances. From underneath the mountain of obligations, frustrations, and challenges, it's easy to forget what a wonderful life I have and what an amazing world this is. So, here's a little reminder from Louis Armstrong himself.





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The Other Side of Father's Day

We celebrated Father's Day in our home like most years.  I made breakfast, my youngest and I had cards and gifts for my husband.  There wasn't much partying, but it was nice.  It was very low key, like my husband likes.  Actually, I should  say low key, like my husband.

My husband isn't my father, but I certainly appreciate him and believe that his contribution to our family is worth celebrating.  I also think it's important that I set an example of that for my sons.

I still feel a little emptiness,though, when it comes to Father's Day.

My father has passed away, but even before he passed away, he was not part of my life.  He left my mother before I was born and I can count on one hand the number of times I saw him over my lifetime.

When I was growing up, Father's Day was awkward because there was usually a stepfather around and my brothers and I were supposed to act like he was our father.  But he wasn't. None of them were.

After my father passed away, Father's Day became more of a day of grief - not grief about his death.  I never really knew the man.  How do you grieve for someone you never knew? It was grief for the loss of the idea of him, grief for the loss of the hope that one day we might actually get to know each other. It was grief for the relationship that never was and never would be.

The lack of importance attributed to fathers in our society troubles me greatly. They play a critical role in each family and in the emotional development of children.  They teach lessons that really can't be learned in any other way. I have no issue with single moms.  In fact, I think most single mothers do the best job they can under incredibly difficult circumstances, and many do an amazing job raising happy, loving, and competent children, but they can't replace a father no matter how hard they try.

It's easy to see the negative impact of a bad parent, but the effect of a missing parent can be just as destructive and devastating. My life is peppered with the emotional holes left by my father's absence. Most are small and insignificant when taken individually, but when viewed in the aggregate they are are more noticeable.  Since he died, every Father's Day has a been a reminder that there is no longer a chance that he will help me fill those gaps.

A couple of years ago, I decided that I wanted to change what Father's Day meant to me.  I didn't share this with anyone.  It was just something that I did for me.  Instead of thinking about my father or grieving the relationship we never had, I chose to use the day to quietly reflect on the men in my life who have helped me to fill in those gaps left by my father, and there are many of them. They include relatives, friends, pastors, teachers, colleagues, and even some people whose names I never knew. Soon, the gratitude and positive emotion started overflowing and pushing out all the regret, grief, and sadness.

That first Father's Day spent this way inspired me to seek out some of those men and thank them.  Now, that is how I choose to privately spend Father's Day every year - in reflection and gratitude.

As I think about it, I remember that it was my mother who taught me that I could change the meaning of any day or holiday anytime I'd like. Once again, even after her death, Mom's lessons keep helping me live my life.

All I can feel about that is more gratitude.

OCD and ADD Face Off

I'm sure you have all heard about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  Everybody likes to laugh at characters like Monk who struggle to deal with everyday life with OCD.  You have probably also heard of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I still use the old name for it - ADD - because anyone who knows me would just laugh hysterically at the hyperactivity part.  I deal with the inattentive variety. Anyway, I live my life dealing with these little issues in a completely unmedicated state (Duh!  Isn't that so painfully obvious?).

People are starting to understand OCD, and they are also starting to really get a handle on ADD, but they have no idea about the craziness that ensues when the two face off.

Let me illustrate an example for you:

As you know, I love to read.  I read a lot.  I read books, newspapers (all online now), magazines, blogs.....just about anything that interests me that I can get my hands on.

For a long time, I had my blogs all neatly organized within a generic reader.  Then I discovered Google Reader (which I love!) so I moved all my blog subscriptions there. I have about 250 blogs (give or take) that I monitor. I used to spend an hour or two every night scanning them through Google Reader, giving more attention to the posts that really interested me, and skipping by the ones that didn't.  It was great. Some people relax with a cocktail in the evening.  I read blogs.

Then I started to notice that I was reading some more regularly than others, and I didn't want to wait until the end of the day to read them.  However, if I even opened Google Reader during the day at work, I'd get lost in the reading, unable to stop (Hello, OCD!), and my productivity at work would decline dramatically.  What to do?  What to do?

I had the bright idea that I would subscribe by email to my favorites.  Then I would get an email notification whenever a new post went up for any of those and I could take a few minutes during my day just to read those. I started with about 10 of my favorites.  Then it was 15.  Then 20. Yes, my "little touch of OCD" took over and I couldn't stop doing the email subscriptions.  I liked them all, you see.

Now, my email inbox is overwhelmed with these blog posts. They keep coming. Like locusts. They won't stop. I tried to unsubscribe to some, but it didn't help. And I would re-subscribe to some soon after unsubscribing. Indecisive? Me?

So, I face an inbox overflowing with blog posts, junk mail (spam filter? right...sheesh), Facebook notices (that's a story for another day), and real work-related email.

Here's where my ADD kicks in.  I stare at the list of 2,970 unread messages in my inbox and I am overwhelmed.  I can't focus on any of them, at least not for long.  I try to organize them into folders (Hahahahahah).

My OCD says, "For gosh sake!  Delete as many as you can! You can't live with all those rows of bolded, unread subject lines in your inbox!  You won't be able to focus until every single one is handled."

ADD responds, "Ok, let's start....deleted 10, read 5, filed 6 more.....Oh, look at that hummingbird outside my window!  I need some coffee. I'd better get that contract written. Did I take my vitamins this morning? Why am I staring at my email inbox?"

OCD jumps in, "While you're at it, clean up this office!  I can't stand it!"

ADD replies, "Sure. No problem.  Where do I start? I should call Client ABC first, though. Oh yeah! I really need to get that report written.  That takes precedence over everything..."

Meanwhile, the unread email count is now 3,052. The blog locusts just keep coming.....

It's amazing I get anything done, isn't it?

There Is No Summer

I work with a lot of schools, and this is the time of year when I start to hear things like, "What are your plans for the summer?" and "Only one more week until summer vacation," and "I'll bet you're looking forward to summer, aren't you?" I always smile sweetly and do my best to share their enthusiasm about the upcoming summer months.

However, the truth is that, for me, there is no summer.

Well, the season rolls around and the weather gets warmer.  My family schedule changes because my little one is not in school for a couple of months. My tomato plants start to yield the best tasting garden tomatoes in the entire world. But in terms of my work life, there is no summer.

I will continue to get up every morning and go into my office, sit at my desk and write. There will still be data to analyze and reports to write and, this year, we are sure to have several large grants to write over the summer as well.

I might actually leave early or even play hookie a few days here and there to go see the Giants play. I'll probably see a few more movies than normal. That's about it.

I can still remember my glorious teaching days when I had a two and half month break during the summer. Ahhh, those were the days.  Even as a school administrator, I had 3-4 weeks of vacation every summer and it was fantastic!  I, too, made the casual assumption that everyone else was just as fortunate as I was. Sometimes I'd wonder why people would scowl at me when I'd say in my particularly perky tone, "It's almost summer!"

Now I know why.

For many people, there is no summer.

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