I remember my mother trying to help me through it, and while she clearly cared very much, there really wasn't anything she could say or do to change things. It was one of those situations that only I could change. It was also the first major challenge of my adult life.
As was typically the case with my mother, she didn't know what to say, but she was good at finding the words of other people that might help. She gave me a plaque with this excerpt from a wonderful poem:
You Learn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth...
And you learn and learn...
With every good-bye you learn.
I must have read and re-read that poem a thousand times over the next six months, and a few hundred times since then. It helped me grow up and get through that difficult time, and many difficult times since then.
I pulled this poem out again after my mother died, and it gave me great comfort. It still does.
I stumbled on the poem in a Dear Abby column one year, many years ago when I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I saved the article and found it folded between the pages of an old journal and rediscovered it just last year. I have posted that same line you did, on my Facebook wall in the past. Such an empowering poem.
ReplyDeleteI saw this in Dear Abby also when i was a teen, it helped me then and all my life since. I have always wondered who wrote it...
ReplyDeletethanks for posting it
This has helped me, with my struggles with depression, many times. I try to decorate my own soul a little more each day and I buy my own flowers and let go of expectations.
ReplyDeleteI had found this poem in my room as a teenager.. I am not sure how it even got there but ever since then it has been hanging in a frame on my wall everywhere I have lived! For some reason it touched me back then and continues to everytime I read it and inspires me, makes me grateful for what I have had and who I am. The Author was unknown on my copy so nice to see who had created such a touching piece! Thank you.
ReplyDeletePoem is by Veronica A. Shoffstall. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteJorge Luis Borges wrote it. Shoffstall translated it.
ReplyDeleteThe meaning is so deep !! Thanks for sharing this poem
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
ReplyDeleteA friend gave this to me years ago and, in moving - after leaving my martial home very sadly but with little choice for my own soul left.....I panicked when I could not find it and another friend - a man who I thought was my soul mate suggested I search for it and first thing this morning I did and thankfully it has been found....A love of 22 years who had - when I first left my husband through a number of family issues - reassured me that I belonged to him always and forever which gave me hope, comfort and a great sense of 'belonging'. More recently he insists I don't 'belong' but I am 'free' and I am devastated.....I was so desperate to find this poem as it sums up what I know I need to do....cherish myself when others seem to profess they do and, in time, I learn it 'Peter's' out (quite literally in this case...)...May it comfort all those who need it too....and help us to learn that, however many special people there are in our lives, they too are human and may not be able to provide us with what we need....only we can nourish our own souls ultimately....and once we are humbled enough and brave enough....we can move forward and learn to do just that.....Big hugs to all who read this and could do with a virtual hug in the absence of a soul mate who can provide a physical embrace...xx
ReplyDeleteRead this over and over after going through a divorce and i did exactly what it says until I found someone who really truly loved me and my kids.
ReplyDeleteI have read this poem many times over the years when I've gone through difficult times in my life. I have always cherished it so very much.
ReplyDeleteA friend of my dear mom gave me this poem during my divorce in 1978 minus
ReplyDeleteAnd you learn and learn... With every good-bye you learn. reflecting author unknown. do you know who the original author is? Many Blessings to all.
Jorge Luis Borges wrote it. Shoffstall translated it.
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My mother gave me this and it had gotten lost after her passing. I've been looking for this over a decade. Thank you so much, I needed this now more than ever.
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