Are You Building Others Up or Tearing Them Down?

Words are very, very powerful. They have the potential to transform lives, for the better or for the worse.  I think we forget that, and sometimes folks tend to be flippant with their comments, not realizing what the effect will be.

I start from the place of believing that people really intend well. If you are in a service business, I think you really have to want to help people or you won't do very well.  It's hard to fake caring, and it's impossible to fake it for very long, even if you manage to pull it off in the short run.

Part of caring about people is using your words (both written and spoken) to build people up rather than to tear them down.

I regularly follow a wide variety of grant writing blogs to keep in touch with what's going on in the field and what my fellow writers are doing.  Most of them are excellent, and I can tell from their writing that they are caring people who are trying to make a positive difference in the world.  There is one, though, that has a bit of a nasty competitive edge to it.  It's not the competitive part that bothers me (those of you who know me know that I love a good competition!), but the nastiness of it.

For example, in my posts on The Grant Goddess Speaks blog, I will often cite things that you should not do, and I'll use an example of something someone has done poorly as an instructive tool for how to do it right.  I try my best to do it gently and kindly, but sometimes the best way to explain how to do something well is to illustrate how it looks when it is done incorrectly.

But this nasty blog I'm referring to likes to post criticism of other grant writers for no good reason.  It's not instructive. It's just  mean.  Foe example, in a recent post, the author made a comment about some grant writers who seem to prefer to write about grant writing more than actually writing grants.  He made this comment as an excuse, I think, for why he hadn't been posting regularly to his own blog, to give the impression that he is just much to busy with grant writing to worry about the blog. He could have made that point simply, if he chose to, but why did he have to do it in a way that made other grant writers seem less successful?  His post was not directed at me, but it was offensive nonetheless.

In the old view of the business world, it was commonly believed that you could make it to the top by stepping all over others.  That's just not the way it is these days.  In fact, I don't think it was every really that way.  You don't build yourself up or build your business by tearing down others. The best you can hope for with that approach is to pull them into the mud with you.  Why would you want to do that?

The real path to success is through lifting others up. Examine the words you use in speech and print.  Are you building others up or tearing them down?

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The Joys of Writing the Old Fashioned Way

I have been writing letters back and forth with a friend recently.  I'm not talking about email or texts, but real, old fashioned letters - the kind that you write out longhand and fold and put in an envelope with a stamp.  Yes, the kind of letters that the person can't read until days later.  This correspondence has been going on for a couple of months and, judging by how we both feel about it, I suspect it will continue for a long time.

It has been years since I actually corresponded with someone on an ongoing basis via snail mail. Oh, I have written and sent quick thank you notes, but that's not the same.

I have been reminded that while we gained some things in our societal shift to email (efficiency, time, money), we have also definitely lost some things that I never appreciated as important before.

The first of these is anticipation. I check for a letter from my friend with anticipation.  When there is no letter on any given day, I'm a little bit sad.  When there is a letter, I'm a bit excited, and it's like a present - wrapped inside the envelope, waiting to be discovered.

Another thing we have lost is thoughtfulness.  You can write much more in a typed email than you can in a longhand written letter in the same period of time, so it's easy to just throw thoughts out without thinking about them.  In a letter, the process is slower, so you think more.  Also, because I can't just write letters all day long the way I can shoot out quick emails all day, I find myself thinking of things I want to add to my next letter to my friend as I'm doing things in life.  As I experience things, I think, "I'd really like to share this with XYZ," and the thought of my friend makes me smile.  It's like we share a private moment even when we're not having contact with each other.

It's really hard to tell someone's mood from the cold typewritten text of an email.  In fact, many misunderstandings result from that lack of personal connection that email leaves.  In a handwritten letter, its much easier to read between the lines.  You can sense joy, frustration, whimsy, anger, sadness, and more all from the flow of your friend's writing.

Finally, as I read a long three-page letter from my friend, I have the sense that he really cares.  He took quite a bit of time to sit down and write out his thoughts just for me.  There are other things he could have been doing, but he chose to focus on sharing with me.  People talk alot these days about quality relationships and quality time. When you're reading a long, handwritten letter, you can feel the quality time that was devoted to the relationship.

So, consider taking some time today to turn off the computer and write an old fashioned letter to someone you care about.  I think you'll be surprised at how it makes you feel.

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"Grow a Pair and Get It Done"

I have 4 grants due in 7 days. This may be vacation time for many of you, but it's not vacation for me.  The grant season is running later this year, so I'm facing deadlines when I should be on a cruise ship sipping something sweet with a little umbrella in it served by a handsome young man with an exotic accent. Instead, I'm writing this on a Sunday morning while watching the Giants game, sipping Diet Cherry Pepsi from a can, and listening to my husband say, "Aren't you supposed to be working?" Yes, this is my life.  Pinch me.

Yesterday was supposed to be a big writing day for me, but I was way under the weather and not up to doing anything except coughing, dozing off, and dreaming about that cruise.  I woke up this morning, feeling a little bit better (but not much). I grabbed my iPhone to browse my Twitter account as I pondered staying in bed or getting up and getting to work, in spite of my health, and that's when I saw it.

It was a tweet by @EdDeCosta.  I don't know Ed, but I enjoy his tweets. I'm obviously not the only one because he has 28,930 followers. His profile says he's an ICF certified Executive Coach. Anyway, the tweet I saw this morning said:

"You know what you need to do. Grow a pair and get it done."

So much for lounging in bed all day claiming illness. The truth is that self-employed folks really don't get to enjoy the luxury of being mildly sick. We have to be seriously ill and unconscious to keep us from working because we know that no one else is going to pay the bills.  There is no such thing as sick leave or comp time for the self employed.

A couple of years ago, I had surgery and before I went under the knife, I asked the surgeon how long it would be until I could go back to work.  He responded with, " Are you self-employed?"  When I asked him what that had to do with his medical opinion of recovery time, he said, "If you have a regular job, you'll be out for about 5-6 weeks.  If you're self-employed, you'll be back on the job in about 5 days." Finally, a man who understood me and my life.

So, sick or not, I take care of blog posts and some lighter writing while I enjoy the Giants game (which our boys are winning, by the way) and then I'll get back to my office and get serious about grant writing.

As Ed suggests, I'll "grow a pair and get it done."

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Am I the only one who doesn't care where LeBron James plays basketball?

Lots of big things are happening in the world this week. The U.S. Department of Justice is suing Arizona over its new immigration law. Johannes Mehserle was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the shooting death of Oscar Grant, and 83 people were arrested in Oakland for rioting and looting in the aftermath of the verdict. The oil spill in the Gulf continues to have a growing negative impact on wildlife and commerce in the region. And let's not forget that the economy is still a mess and millions of people are out of work.

In spite of all this, what is the biggest news coming from the media outlets (both traditional and online)?

LeBron James.

When they are not reporting about LeBron's big decision about where to play, they are reporting about the reaction to LeBron's decision.

Don't get me wrong.  I fully understand that professional sports is a business - big business - and that LeBron has a right to make money like any other business person.  I also understand that his decision has some pretty big financial repercussions for a lot of people, especially in Cleveland and Miami.  For that reason, the story is newsworthy. But to what degree? Should it drown out all other news?

I don't think so.  What happened to perspective?

Do writers in all forms of media have an obligation to help the public maintain a sense of perspective or is it all about the money?

Has journalism become a business of information prostitution and are journalists now just media whores writing what sells and ignoring the real news that impacts the greatest number of people?

That's what it looks like to me. I'm disgusted.

I really don't care where LeBron James plays basketball.

I don't care what Lindsay Lohan paints on her nails, either.

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Some Independence Day Questions

What's the most important thing you have ever written?

As I was pondering that question and trying to figure out what I have written that has any real significance, the Declaration of Independence came to mind. The men who came up with that document knew they were doing something important at the time, but I wonder if they knew how important it would be for generations of Americans. They risked great peril for some principles that really mattered to them.

Have you ever written anything that changed the lives of others? Would you have done it if you faced potential persecution or death?

I often wonder how life would be for all of us today if the men who wrote the Declaration had decided that the risk was too great, the cause not that important.

Last week I wrote a post, What would you write if you weren't afraid? Today I'm thinking that it's not so much about not being afraid, but overcoming the fear - walking through the fear to write something really important.

That something important might be a novel, a love letter, a grant application, a newspaper column, a blog.  It doesn't really matter.  Most of us won't change lives with the big splash made my the writer's of the Declaration of Independence, but we can make a difference in the lives of those around us.

A big difference made in a single life still changes the world.

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Writing Lessons from Mom

My mother was, without question, my biggest fan. She was always encouraging me to write - even when I didn't want to. Whenever there was a gift giving occasion and I didn't know what to give, she would say, "Write a poem," and I would roll my eyes. She saw talent in me long before I saw it in myself, and the more she encouraged, the more I shied away from writing. Now that she's gone, though, I find myself remembering the multitude of lessons she taught me and tidbits of advice on everything from writing to toilet cleaning. I hear her voice when I speak and even when I look down at my hands as I type this, I see her hands.  It's amazing how connected we all are, even when it seems that we're not.

So, as I pondered what to write today and stared down at the keyboard looking at her hands on the keys, I found myself thinking about mom and some of the lessons about writing she taught me. Here are just a few:

1. Simple sentences can be the best.  Mom was a second grade teacher for years.  Her years of teaching second grade writing left her with an admiration for the simple sentence.  In fact, most of her letters were collections of very simple sentences.  The best ones, though, were the ones that said a lot in few words, like "I love you," "I'm on you're side," "I forgive you," "Don't give up," and "Don't be afraid."
2. Writing is an expression of your thoughts.  Giving someone a little piece of the truth that's inside you really is a precious gift. I am still not a big fan of writing a poem for someone as a birthday gift, but a heartfelt letter about how much I appreciate them and why is the best gift I have ever received, and a love letter to my husband still brings a tear to his eye even after 23 years. At the end of Mom's life, she really couldn't speak much, but she would motion for us to hand her the little whiteboard we kept by her bedside and she would scribble, "I love you."  Then she would keep pointing to it over and over again as she made the point that she really, really meant it. She could not have given me a better gift.
3. Writing keeps us connected - to each other and to our past.  If you don't write, you are a little less connected to others. There was period in her later life when Mom was traveling around the country in an RV with my stepfather. Long before the days of 3G Internet access, she found ways to stay connected - a post office box service that would forward letters, an email service that worked over a payphone. She kept a journal of her travels (vacation travel as well as her RV life) that she would refer to when she wanted to remember some detail about where she had been. She made sure she was never disconnected from her family or her own memories.
4. Be careful what you write.  It may be permanent.  Mom used to have this advice about how to behave.  She'd say, "If you wouldn't want it covered on the front page of the newspaper, don't do it."  That's pretty good advice. Her advice for writing (which she didn't always follow) was, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything." She knew that a hurtful letter or note would last long after the passing feelings of anger or resentment went away and she rarely wrote anything that wasn't positive and encouraging. There was a point, though, when my mom and my husband were having a pretty bad argument over a serious matter.  She wrote him a long letter saying some pretty nasty things. They worked out the argument a couple of years before she passed away; however, my husband still has that letter.  I am 100% certain that she does not want to be remembered as the angry woman  who wrote that letter. There's something about putting anger in writing that makes the sting more painful and makes it last longer.
5. Poems don't have to rhyme to be really good. As a second grade teacher, Mom was a big fan of "Roses are red, Violets are blue" poems.  Eventually, we started to make fun of those.  Mom's favorite was, "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Daffodils are yellow, and Birds of Paradise are orange and green."  I made that up when I was ten and we still added it to the bottom of letters and laughed about it when I was 40.  Most of hers ended with, "and I love you." Sometimes the ending would vary -- "and you're the light of my life," or "and I'm so glad you're in my life." They rarely rhymed, but they made me smile every time.  That's my definition of a really good poem.

 The simple lessons are the best, aren't they?

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