The Other Side of Father's Day

We celebrated Father's Day in our home like most years.  I made breakfast, my youngest and I had cards and gifts for my husband.  There wasn't much partying, but it was nice.  It was very low key, like my husband likes.  Actually, I should  say low key, like my husband.

My husband isn't my father, but I certainly appreciate him and believe that his contribution to our family is worth celebrating.  I also think it's important that I set an example of that for my sons.

I still feel a little emptiness,though, when it comes to Father's Day.

My father has passed away, but even before he passed away, he was not part of my life.  He left my mother before I was born and I can count on one hand the number of times I saw him over my lifetime.

When I was growing up, Father's Day was awkward because there was usually a stepfather around and my brothers and I were supposed to act like he was our father.  But he wasn't. None of them were.

After my father passed away, Father's Day became more of a day of grief - not grief about his death.  I never really knew the man.  How do you grieve for someone you never knew? It was grief for the loss of the idea of him, grief for the loss of the hope that one day we might actually get to know each other. It was grief for the relationship that never was and never would be.

The lack of importance attributed to fathers in our society troubles me greatly. They play a critical role in each family and in the emotional development of children.  They teach lessons that really can't be learned in any other way. I have no issue with single moms.  In fact, I think most single mothers do the best job they can under incredibly difficult circumstances, and many do an amazing job raising happy, loving, and competent children, but they can't replace a father no matter how hard they try.

It's easy to see the negative impact of a bad parent, but the effect of a missing parent can be just as destructive and devastating. My life is peppered with the emotional holes left by my father's absence. Most are small and insignificant when taken individually, but when viewed in the aggregate they are are more noticeable.  Since he died, every Father's Day has a been a reminder that there is no longer a chance that he will help me fill those gaps.

A couple of years ago, I decided that I wanted to change what Father's Day meant to me.  I didn't share this with anyone.  It was just something that I did for me.  Instead of thinking about my father or grieving the relationship we never had, I chose to use the day to quietly reflect on the men in my life who have helped me to fill in those gaps left by my father, and there are many of them. They include relatives, friends, pastors, teachers, colleagues, and even some people whose names I never knew. Soon, the gratitude and positive emotion started overflowing and pushing out all the regret, grief, and sadness.

That first Father's Day spent this way inspired me to seek out some of those men and thank them.  Now, that is how I choose to privately spend Father's Day every year - in reflection and gratitude.

As I think about it, I remember that it was my mother who taught me that I could change the meaning of any day or holiday anytime I'd like. Once again, even after her death, Mom's lessons keep helping me live my life.

All I can feel about that is more gratitude.