It's not just emotional because I put my heart and soul into every project, but there is something very harsh about how grant writing success is determined. In few other genres of writing are success and failure made so clear, and so public. What looks like rejection in other genres can be chalked up to many things - poor marketing, the reader's lack of understanding, etc., but in grant writing, it's like someone stamps your work with SUCCESS or FAILURE, and the whole world knows.
I can try to justify the failure, but no matter how I justify it, the big red FAILURE stamp feels like it has been burned into my forehead. What's strange is that no matter how many successes there are and no matter how much the successes outnumber the failures, it's the failures that I feel. It's the failures that I think about late at night. It's the failures that always make me wonder if I picked the right profession, if maybe I should go back into teaching full-time, if I am hurting my clients more than helping.
By the light of day, I know that my self esteem is not and should not be tied to my work. I have value as an individual apart from my grant writing success rate, and I know my family loves me regardless of how I do in my business life. Still, failure stings. I suppose it should because that's what inspires me to work harder and write better.
I need to learn to live with the roller coaster, throwing my hands up with joy on the highs and holding on tight on the lows because life has lots of both, doesn't it?
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I am right there with you. I cannot stand it when one of my proposals isn't awarded, and even if I have more successes than failures those rejections stick in my craw.
ReplyDeleteBut I figure, the mere fact that it bothers me so much, which in turn drives me to become a better writer and learn more, means I'm in the right field. If the ones that 'got away' didn't bother me so much then I'd really be worried about my career choice! :)
That's so true, Kara. Not caring would be easier, but it's the caring that makes it worthwhile. Thanks for your comment!
ReplyDeleteAlways be sure to follow guidelines fully and carefully. Like any other application, check for missed lines, incomplete answers, incorrect information and inconsistencies in grant writing.
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